All I wanted was to raise children with a decent person. A person that, even if I couldn’t stay in love with him, or him in love with me, that I would still be able to say I respected as a father. I’d still be able to send my kids to stay with him and know they were safe, and being fulfilled and adored. I didn’t have children with him because I thought he was my soulmate and I knew we’d last forever, because I don’t know that that exists. At the very least, I know that that is unbearably rare. I loved him, and I wanted children, and I felt he was a good person. I had children with him because although I didn’t know that he’d always be with me, and I didn’t know I’d grow old with him, I thought those things might happen, I hoped for them, but most of all I just knew he’d always be a good dad.
Nothing will jade you faster than really feeling like you know something, or someone, and then having the rug pulled out from under you. Good luck trusting anything ever again once that happens. “Never say never” is a terrible motto to have when it comes to love.
It’s been almost 2 years since I thought my ex-husband was a decent person, or a decent father. I can’t describe to you how sad that makes me. Even after the divorce I remember telling people what a great dad he was… then one day it just changed. He just stopped putting them first. Then they weren’t even second, or third. I’m not sure where they lie for him anymore. It brings tears to my eyes to see the man he’s become.
I wish I could tell him all this, but it’s been venom between us for so long now that I don’t think he’d even listen. I don’t think he’d believe it. I don’t think he’d stop to recognize that it’s not venom, its the last tiny drops of the caring and respect that I have for him leeching themselves from me. It’s my last hopeless grasps at a ghost of the man my children used to know.